Today's Thoughts from R.W. Loony

My friends, some say that John McCain’s campaign has gone into an irreversible death spiral. The leading lights of our beloved Republican Family, Ed Rollins, Karl Rove, Peggy Noonan, Rush Limbaugh, et al, have been showering our beloved maverick with advice: more positive ads, more negative ads, keep talking about Bill Ayers, stop talking about Bill Ayers, let Sarah Palin keep talking about Bill Ayers and the bridge to nowhere, attack the New York Times, attack the American people as a nation of whiners, pretend to fire the guy who said that (Phil Gramm), pray for a terrorist attack, fire the guy that said that (Charlie Black), donate money to terrorists, accept donations from terrorists, go for the pity vote… Ed Rollins (grand master of mudslinging) even went so far as to say that McCain should just give up, because he’ll only hurt the Republican Party if he keeps going.

My friends, it’s as if our beloved Republican Family has become embroiled in some horrendous polyandrous divorce child custody battle, tugging on any McCain appendage they can grab. How’s McCain supposed to be steady and reassuring when his party is wobbling around like drunken sailors on shore leave in the Philippines?

My friends, too many of my fellow Republicans want to try and run away from our incredible accomplishments of the past 7½ years. McCain’s slogans should be "Mission Accomplished!", "More Mission!", and "All you need to CHANGE is your point of view".

Higher oil prices and record profits for oil companies? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: My friends, if you invested in oil companies you’ve done pretty well and you should be grateful and you should get down on your knees and say "Thank you Jesus for sending Baby Bush to rule our country and for John McCain, his anointed successor." If you were too stupid to buy oil stocks when the Supreme Court selected Bush as president, too bad for you, you’re probably a communist.

Billions for military contractors but not one penny for veterans? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: If you’re against the excessive use of contractors, you’re for re-instating the draft. Likewise for improved veterans’ benefits: better veterans’ benefits means you want to encourage our soldiers to leave the military and bring back the draft. And, my friend, you’re not supporting the troops, you traitor!

40% of Americans uninsured? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: More Americans than ever before are taking control of their healthcare decisions! My friends, soon, thanks to the invisible hand of the market and the McCain healthcare plan, all Americans will take control of their healthcare decisions! Hope you stay healthy and own stock in health insurance companies.

Environment destroyed? More tax dollars for oil companies? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: Drill Baby Drill! Just keep chanting.

Plummeting home values? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: Homes are again as affordable as they were during the glorious Reagan years! And jobs are just as plentiful! And wages are the same! It’s morning in America!

Failing banks? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: Remember the Reagan era, when Savings and Loans were falling like dominos? It’s morning in America again!

Rising unemployment & falling wages? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: Acknowledge the problem, then find some one to blame, preferably some one who’s never going to vote Republican anyway: Congress, trial lawyers, teachers, nurses, Muslims, atheists, black people, homosexuals, illegal aliens, extraterrestrials, environmentalists, Democrats, people with college degrees, volcanoes, fictional TV characters, union members, French people, Hollywood, the minimum wage, baby wolves, community organizers, rap music, cartoons, the New York Times, bears, public defenders, Bill Ayers, American Indians, robots, scientologists, no, wait, don’t pick on the scientologists. They have lots of money, use lots of jet fuel, and wasn’t L. Ron Hubbard a Republican? Or just Mitt Romney's favorite author?

My friends, we’ve accomplished an awful lot of mission, but there’s a lot more mission to accomplish. My friends, we could have a lot more mission, and all we need to change is our point of view.

My friends, God bless America and God Bless our mission!

R.W. Loony, 13^th of October, 2008